Why should is a dirty, dirty word!

If you google the word “should” your first page of results will be mostly different dictionary definitions.  Take a look at the meaning of the word and you’ll see “used to say or to ask what is the best thing to do” or “used to express that it is necessary, desirable or important to perform an action or duty”.  If you keep digging, you’ll find very different results on page 2.  You’ll start to see all sorts of articles like “Here’s how long children should sleep” and “Why your kids should eat dirt” or even “How finding Nemo should have ended”.  The thing about all these shoulds… it’s usually just someone’s opinion.

Over the last few weeks I have heard should so often, it got me thinking, who decides what we should be doing and why do we put all this pressure on ourselves to live up to these “shoulds”?  It’s the shoulds that are draining our energy and preventing us from living our lives on our own terms.  How many times have you said to yourself “I should be going to the gym” or “I should take that promotion”?  I noticed I do it all the time!  And it’s not just me – I hear the people around me (strong, smart and capable people) saying it as well.  What prompts us to say these things to ourselves?  I took a closer look at my own shoulds and here is what I found.

I use should when there is some activity that I don’t want to do but I feel like it’s what is expected of me in some way, shape or form OR I am doing something that flies in the face of conventional wisdom – something that is completely the opposite of the societal norms.  I also noticed that when these shoulds pop into my head, I hear them in this whiny, defeated tone, like “ugh, I should really get my kids in a different summer camp program” or “ugh, I really shouldn’t eat that ice cream”.  When I give in to the shoulds I often end up feeling either overwhelmed or like I sacrificed something else to do it.  When I don’t give in to the should I feel guilty for not doing the thing I think I should have done.  And if I ate that ice cream?  I’d feel guilty for indulging.  It is EXHAUSTING!!!  I finally had to tell that little voice in my head to shut up.

So – back to the question – who in the heck decides we should do these things and why do they have so much power over us?  We do.  We put so much pressure on ourselves to measure up to these invisible standards that may not even be right for us.  Maybe instead of defaulting to “I should do this” we could ask ourselves some questions about why the should is there.  Questions like: “What is right for me?”  “Is now the right time for me?” or “What do I really want to do?” can really help clarify what we want and need versus buying into the standards set for us by others.

When I started to ask myself why I thought I should do something my answers became so much clearer.  Take “I should go workout”.  When I say that to myself it feels like a chore, like something someone or something is FORCING me to do it.  So I ask myself – “What do I want?”  I want to be strong, have more energy and feel comfortable in my bathing suit (sorry – I’m vain.  It’s important to me).  Then I ask myself – is this right for me?  Going to the gym is SO not for me at the moment, but there are other places I can get a workout in.  I know I feel better after a good workout, so working out is right for me.  And then finally – is now the right time?  It’s 7:45 pm on a Thursday and I just finished a week of 12 hour days and I have a coaching call at 8:00pm – oh and we still need to give the girls a bath.  Maybe right this second isn’t the right time, but I can fit it in later in the evening or I can try again tomorrow – and that’s ok for me.  These questions cause me to stop and think and all of a sudden I notice a change in my perspective. I have made a conscious choice to work out, in a way that works for me and so I find time for it.  It’s no longer what I should do; it’s what I want to do.  And if I couldn’t make it work, that’s my choice too.  It’s all about what works for you.

Shoulds are ever present in our lives.  We have been trained to continuously think about what we should or shouldn’t be doing with no regard to what we want or what works for us.  I encourage you to challenge the shoulds in your life and ask yourself – “What is right for me?”  “Is now the right time for me?” or “What do I really want to do?”.  Let your voice decide what you do or don’t do instead of listening to all the other voices out there.  I think you’ll find that doing so will help bring more fulfillment and peace to your life.

I’d love to hear from you!  What are the biggest “shoulds” in your life?  How could you reframe them into something that works for you?